I wasn’t always concerned about my weight. There was actually a point in time where I didn’t think I was fat. My last memories of feeling truly happy, carefree and beautiful was probably around my Kindergarten years. It wasn’t until someone told me otherwise that I started to question this. That’s the crazy thing about insecurities though. They don’t truly manifest until someone points out that there’s something wrong with you. And the worst part is, for most people, we never really forget it.
I was in elementary school when a family member told me I was as “big as a house”. She was much older and much heavier and she was someone I loved and respected. Now, I don’t remember how often it was said throughout the rest of my childhood, but once was all it took. Those four words completely shattered the happy, beautiful, and carefree girl I once was. And new girl took her place. Behind every smile and every laugh there was pain and insecurity. I became aware of everything and my insecurities only intensified as I got older.
Unfortunately, things got a lot worse before they got better. I became the D.U.F.F. (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) in every group of my friends. I was the “…And Friend” that was introduced as an afterthought or forgotten completely. And then the bullying started. I was deemed “Miss Piggy” during my first year of middle school and my life became a living hell. While barricading myself in my world of books, I managed to make it through until my mom ripped me out of that environment and placed me in a dual enrollment program. The perks of being in an academically advanced school is that everyone is too freaking exhausted to worry about anyone else. I put my weight at the back of my mind and kept moving forward.
In college, I made several attempts to lose some of the weight. I joined classes, I had a nutritionist, I had gym partners and accountability groups. And for a while I seemed to making progress. But when I graduated, all of it just fell apart. My partners went their separate ways and I no longer had access to the professionals who told me what to do and what to eat. I was back at square one.
It wasn’t until November 1, 2016, that I realized things had really gotten out of control. I’d just come down with a terrible cold in the middle of winter in Virginia. I was 600 miles away from home and I was starting to get worried that something more was wrong with me. So in my paranoia, I made an appointment and went to see the doctor. When I stepped on the much dreaded scale, I didn’t think anything of it. I just wanted whatever drugs they were going to prescribe to make me feel better. Little did I know, I was going to walk out of there feeling a lot worse. 258 pounds blazed across the top of my paperwork and rang throughout my brain as I dragged my overheated body into my car. I didn’t understand how I had gotten to that point. I sat in the car and I just cried.
When I made the first steps in starting my weight loss journey, I was hell-bent on my before and after photo. I didn’t care what I had to do as long as I got the opportunity to put my before photo next to an after photo. I scrolled through Pinterest and Instagram for hours studying how long it took men and women around the world to lose 100+ pounds. I desperately wanted my photo to be amongst them. I researched meal plans and trainers. I scrolled through hours of YouTube videos that explained Keto, High Carb, Paleo, Vegetarianism, High Protein, 1200 Calorie Diets, Cantaloupe Diets, Water Fasting, Weight Watchers, etc.
With all of this information, I felt overwhelmed and underprepared for this journey. I knew I had to a lose at least 100 lbs but I had no idea where to start. At the same time, I didn’t want to lose my weight using a method I couldn’t maintain. So I started small and continued my research. I decreased the number of times I went out to eat. I drank more water. And I was more mindful of my physical activity. While I wasn’t convinced that I was actually making a difference in my body, I felt better. I didn’t feel as groggy when I woke up in the morning and had given myself more of a purpose throughout the day.
Little by little I was breathing life into the beautiful, carefree girl I used to be.
D'Miria Collins 